You’ve likely heard that women speak almost three times as many words per day (WPD) as men do - around 30,000! You’ve also probably heard some humorous explanation that women must speak more words simply because they are repeating the things that the men in their lives ignored (ha!). As far as I know, there’s no study to back up that discrepancy, and the average numbers for men and women are, in fact, closer to the same. Now, lack of listening could be a real thing; however, that can go both ways despite the stereotypes!
While my point is not to simply ponder the communication distinctions between the sexes, I do believe that everyone wants to be heard when they are speaking, especially when sharing what's on their heart.
Active listening takes a significant amount of energy and focus—often more than talking—but it is vital.
Everyone needs someone who will listen.
Having the privilege to serve as a Stephen Minister for the past eight years in a one-on-one caring ministry, I have noticed that men often have a more difficult time requesting help even though they could benefit from having someone to walk alongside them, to sit with them, to just be present with them, and to listen without judgment or trying to “fix” them through all of life’s challenges.
I’ve been a part of men’s groups, and it’s common for them to talk about sports, cars, and home projects and to make prayer requests for things like surgeries, job-related concerns, or wayward or challenging kids. Matters of the heart and stuff that keeps them up at night (well maybe those kids qualify!) are not often shared. Marital and other relational problems, divorce, addiction, grief, loneliness, anxiety, depression, financial stress, and past trauma tend to remain stuffed inside—eating away like a cancer—robbing them of joy and impacting their relationships.
Berean's Stephen Ministry helps fill a gap that pastors and small groups often can’t. Our Stephen Ministers are not professional therapists, but we can supplement their care. The receiver gets confidential, one-on-one care from a lay person of the same sex who’s completed many hours of training and coaching, who has a heart for caring, and who is there to listen.
A simple pause can make all the difference.
One of my recent care receivers was looking for Christian companionship and encouragement after the pain of a second divorce and sale of the family home. Like me, he was single again with adult children and at the point in his life where one often starts thinking about winding down a career, relaxing with a soulmate, spoiling grandkids, and traveling. If you've ever experienced a tough time during that season, you know how difficult it can be seeing others with their houses paid off, celebrating major anniversaries, and taking nice vacations when your own reality is hard.
The truth is reality can be so much different than the script we wrote. It can be paralyzing.
In the Stephen Ministry, care givers typically meet with our care receivers weekly for an hour. For example, I often join mine for a hike. We both love to be outdoors in every season, and the benefits of fresh air and exercise for our minds and bodies are many. One Saturday we met at a regional park and walked and talked for probably an hour and a half. I was mostly listening and asking clarifying questions, though due to our similar situations and life experiences, I’d sometimes share encouragement or interject some humor. Laughter is healing!
Our pause should be more important than our to-do list.
I must admit that I was a bit tired from the conversation and from the intent listening. By the time we got back to our vehicles, I was ready to go home to get on with my tasks for the day, but I could sense that my care receiver still wanted to talk. We stood by the cars for another 30 minutes and then went to Perkins for lunch over another hour of conversation.
Though it may have impacted my “oh so important” to-do list for the day, it meant the world to my care receiver.
In fact, he called me on his way home and couldn’t stop thanking me for spending the extra time. His spirit and his confidence were lifted high. Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” I think we both sharpened one another that day. I was greatly encouraged and continue to be.
I’m thankful for my care receiver and for how God uses this ministry to push me out of my self-centered tendencies while providing a safe place for men to share, cry, laugh, pray, and enjoy God’s creation.
Sometimes it takes a lot of effort for me to listen first and think before I speak, but I try to pray over Psalm 19:14 and ask Jesus to make "the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart“ acceptable in the sight of the Lord, who is my rock and my redeemer.
There is someone out there who needs hope.
The WPD we speak are important, but not necessarily the number, rather the weight of those words. James 1:19 instructs us to be quick to listen and slow to speak. Perhaps we should consider these questions: Are we only concerned with speaking what’s on our mind? Or, are we focused on listening to what’s in the hearts of others? Do we pause to lend our ear to those who need someone to listen? Or, are we only focused on checking off the boxes of our own agenda? I believe God is calling us all to slow down and listen because there is someone out there who needs hope.
If you or someone you know could benefit from a Stephen Minister, or you are interested in becoming one, click here for more information. We’d love to get you connected!
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