I am a pro when it comes to experiencing conflict.
I didn't say I was a pro at handling it. But I have experienced more than my fair share of conflict while growing up with a sister who is two years older than me.
I should go ahead and state this on the front end: I love my sister. Our relationship is radically different as adults than it was as kids. There may have been some tough years in our relationship, but those are in the past.
Some Conflict Is Inevitable
When I was little, my sister and I were buddies. We played together a lot. As the older one in the relationship, my sister usually set the rules for what we were going to play and how we were going to play it. I didn't mind though. I was just happy to have someone to play with me, even if it meant we were going to play with dolls.
But our relationship changed. As she got closer to her teenage years, she became less interested in me as a companion and she often took exception to me even being in the same room. As you can imagine, this led to a lot of conflict in our home. The two of us would bicker and fight. I would do something that would annoy her, and she did something that bothered me.
Taking trips in the car were not like they are for many minivan and SUV families today. There were no movies, headphones, or reclining seats. Instead, we sat relatively close together in the back seat of the sedan. I couldn't handle the AC blowing directly on my face because it gave me a headache. If the AC wasn't on full blast, my sister ran the risk of getting car sick. The result? Conflict.
I'll say it again, my sister and I have a far better relationship today. We made it through those rough years together. Now each of us has our own children that don't always get along. And I think I can hear my parents chuckling somewhere...
I know that most of us can relate to familial conflict, whether it stirs up childhood memories or things you're experiencing with your own children right now. Most of us can immediately recall multiple examples of conflict. But is all conflict bad?
Some Conflict Leads to Sin
There is no doubt that fighting among family members is an issue almost as old as time. It can be traced all the way back to the Garden of Eden. Things got off to a quick and disastrous start with the first siblings who were embroiled in conflict. Eventually, it led to Cain murdering his brother Abel out of jealousy.
A conflict that causes people to show disdain, is predicated on ego and selfishness and seeks power or victory over another is rooted in sin. But does all conflict need to have this level of dysfunction and negativity? Can there be redeeming value when it comes to conflict?
How to Redeem Conflict
Proverbs 15:18 says, "A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger quiets contention" (ESV).
I don't believe that conflict is always a negative thing. If a conflict is handled appropriately, it can lead to a positive result. Let's consider this for a minute.
When we encounter conflict in our families, we can choose how to view and respond to it. If we always look at conflict as an annoyance and frustration, it usually will lead us to respond out of that frustration, often in an overly dramatic and hurtful way. We can all summon examples of when we have reacted this way to our kids, probably in the last 15 to 30 minutes.
What if we look at conflict as an opportunity to disciple our kids, help them to grow and mature, and see a result that places everyone in a better position than before?
Arguments, disagreements and general conflict should be viewed as a gateway to needed discourse and progress. If we engage in the conflict with a "hot temper," the author of Proverbs warns us that this will lead to increased chaos and strife. However, if we remain calm and are "slow to anger," it will lead to a calm resolution.
When we remain calm, it leads to two results: discipleship in the area of how to handle conflict biblically and discussion that allows us to form and shape our child's heart.
Just think of the discussions that take place when we calmly engage our kids on what they are experiencing. It is an opportunity for you to be able to speak into the heart and life of your children while they are a captive audience.
I'm not living in some pie-in-the-sky cloud that thinks that all conflict is easy and will result in a positive outcome. Yet, I do believe that we should view conflict as an opportunity for growth, development, and prime space to point to Jesus and the gospel. And parents hold the key to this.
Our initial response and approach to conflict in our families will set the course for potential results. We can live in homes that are built around constant contention or we can build a home that seizes all opportunities to disciple our children. It isn't an easy task, but it is one that we should strategically aspire to.
This challenges me. I hope it challenges you as well.