We’ve all been there. Our brother or sister has said or done something that they know will get under our skin. Our husband or wife has not followed through on something that they promised. Whatever it may be, we’ve all experienced conflict, big and small, within our families. Conflict can be hard to manage for a number of reasons. Perhaps you’re like me and you prefer to avoid it by blending into the wall rather than acknowledge the tension between you and your family member. Or, on the other hand, maybe you're all too eager to bring it up and you let your anger get in the way of true resolution. These are two very different and unhealthy ways to manage the situation. Fortunately, we have God’s Word to correct and guide us in resolving conflict within our families.
We must be aware of our emotions.
Brushing off emotions is something that has increased for many of us over the last year (probably for all of us). Anger, for example, is something that we tend to overlook in ourselves more often than we think.
In their book, Untangling Emotions, J. Alasdair Groves and Winston T. Smith explain how this happens. They write, “To make matters worse, angry people almost never know they are angry people. This makes sense if you think about it: Anger says, 'I’m right and you’re wrong.' When you feel deeply right, it is extremely difficult to step back and say, 'Maybe I am the problem here'.”
We must be aware of our emotions and how they play out in our actions. Ephesians 4:31 offers insight into what we must do. It says, Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.
We must examine our emotions.
A lot of us might look at this verse and think it’s unrealistic. Perhaps we say, “I’m not going to sit here and act like they didn’t make me angry!” But this is not at all what Paul is calling us to do in this passage. When Paul asks us to "put away" all those things, he wants us to engage those emotions in a way that leads to resolution. Think of the analogy when you’re folding clothes after doing a load of laundry. You don’t haphazardly throw clothes into your drawers and not acknowledge the articles of clothing that you have or the way you should fold them.
To put something away, we need to examine it and put it where it belongs. In the same way, we need to examine our emotions and put them where they belong in order to faithfully resolve conflict.
We must look to Christ as our perfect example.
Once we’ve examined our emotions, verse 32 helps us understand how we should act. We are called to “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” This is the faithful response of someone who is rooted in the forgiveness they have in Christ. It’s easy for us (outwardly or inwardly) to hold something over someone else’s head, but fortunately, we have the perfect example of forgiveness and mercy: Jesus forgiving us! When we think about our freedom in Christ, we can’t help but extend the same mercy to our family members, or whoever has wronged us.
The example of Christ also helps us to see the way we should act when we are the ones in the wrong. If we’ve faithfully put away our anger and we are able to see where we've been wrong, the grace of God in Christ leads us to ask for forgiveness from others. As we've already been forgiven by God, we can receive grace and forgiveness from those around us.
We must rely on the peace of God.
Conflict in our families can feel challenging and even scary at times - and it is! However, we don’t need to let our own emotions be the driving force in how we respond. Letting the peace of God rule in our hearts (Colossians 3:15) will lead us to a healthy resolution of conflict and true, lasting joy in our relationships.
For more on conflict resolution, check out this short devotional:
