When my wife, Joanne, and I are walking a young, engaged couple through some premarital examinations of their relationship, we always ask the question: "What is God’s first word about marriage?" First, we get a puzzled look. Then, we get lots of good-sounding and heart-felt answers like “love,” or “togetherness,” or “mutual respect,” or “commitment.” These are all great aspirations that would make any marriage richer. However, none of them is the first word God said about marriage.
Do you know God’s first word about marriage? It will probably shock you like it shocks these young couples. It’s found in Genesis 2:24:
Therefore a man shall LEAVE his father and mother and hold fast to his wife.
The first word about marriage, hardly ever thought about or encouraged, is to leave your family of origin. That’s a stunner for most people! Before God talks about the emotional bonding and intimacy of the marriage covenant, he clearly instructs us to make a clean break with our families of origin. Leave.
Leaving is an important first, and continuous, action for a couple to be fashioned into the unique household God intends them to become. You were not meant to replicate any other relationship, no matter how wholesome it might have been. Neither are you meant to be caught in the cycle of dysfunction that may have dominated your history. Leave, and become the unique and unrepeatable couple God has destined you to become. Christian counselor Dan Allender estimates that ninety percent of all marital problems result from not leaving one’s family of origin! If that is the case, we’d better do some thinking about why and how to leave.
1. Leave with Honor.
Parents are to be honored, even the imperfect ones. As much as it is possible, be at peace, and leave in peace. Thank your parents and family. They gave you life, a space to grow up, and all kinds of advantages, including, perhaps, your spiritual roots. Love them well, and leave them as you would leave good friends. They are welcome in your life. They are sometimes sought out for counsel and can be an enormous resource of help. But they don’t live in your kitchen, your living room, or your bedroom. There is a completely new loyalty now - to your spouse.
2. Leave Emotionally.
Psychologists call this leaving the “differentiation of self.” It begins its turbulent journey in early adolescence in the push and pull of a teen becoming a young adult. Differentiation takes a major leap when you say “I do.” It’s a radical transfer of loyalty to your marriage partner. You transition from daughter to wife, from son to husband. It’s a new family unit on earth. So, there will be a need for healthy marital boundaries regarding schedules, money, confidentiality, and parenting. Parents may need some training. There could be some squashed and gently reconfigured assumptions. But all this is necessary, not because the older generation lacks wisdom or love, but because your primary circle of counsel and decision-making has radically changed. Your leaving may not be measured in geographical distance, but it needs to be emotionally clean and clear.
3. Leave your People.
One marriage expert says in your first year of marriage to “take a leave of absence from other relationships.” This is especially true for young couples. Often they have a tight circle of close friends with whom they have shared college experiences, young adulthood, sports, camping trips, and work relationships. These are treasures, but they can’t stay in that central spot of planning and investment that they once held. Some of “your people” will be in your life less frequently, and may need to be coached regarding your new, top-priority relationship. When this transition takes place, it is not only healthy for your marriage, it is a model for those who want to be married some day. Saying “I do” changes everything!
4. Leave your Patterns.
In God's plan for marriage, when two become one, there is either a merging of strengths or a clash of demands. Any given intersection can cause tension or conflict. So, every day there needs to be a leaving behind of your old, practiced, self-consumed assumptions. You have someone else to think about, nurture, and help. Leaving some of your patterns, abandoning pockets of selfishness, and moving away from what you've always assumed was “normal” is absolutely necessary if oneness is to flourish. For me personally, my spouse is the best reflector to me of my self-absorption. When the light in her eye is dim, it’s a sign that I need to press on into new territories of discovery about myself. I need to leave the familiar and pursue new means and methods to bring life into our marriage.
Leaving is a Life-Long Journey.
The first word in marriage doesn’t fade with the years. In God's design for marriage, we are always being called out of self and into love. So keep leaving. It’s God’s best beginning and his constant blessing for every marriage.
